Monday, October 12, 2009

One Band - One Song

Using only song *titles* from one artist, cleverly answer these questions:

Pick a band/artist: MLTR

1. Are you a male or female: The Actor

2. Describe yourself: Sleeping Child

3. How do you feel about yourself: Eternal Flame

4. Describe your ex boyfriend/girlfriend: Angel Eyes

5. Describe your current boy/girl situation: Crazy Dream

6. Describe your current location: Stuck in the heart

7. Describe where you want to be: Final Destination

8. Your best friend is: Strange Foreign Beauty

9. Your favorite color is: Out of the blue

10. You know that: Love will never lie

11. What’s the weather like: Take off Your Clothes

12. If your life was a television show what would it be called: Wild Women

13. What is life to you: Sweetest Surprise

14. What is the best advice you have to give: I Walk This Road Alone

15. If you could change your name what would you change it to: Hot to Handle

Of Relationship Statuses and Traders

Single - A wannabe player in the market.

Married - Took a position and is married to it. Keep feeding in the money to maintain the position because he cant accept his call can be wrong. You need deep pockets for this and hope you dont lose it all on the margin calls.

Engaged - Bought a call option hoping that the underlying will go up in the future. But easily gets fooled by temporary rallies and becomes married to the position.

In a Relationship - Not trading with actual money, using a simulation system.

Its complicated - Dont understand the terms of the contract. Just invests where ever the portfolio manager asks to. Wants to proclaim to the world that he is a player but doesnt understand a thing about the vagaries of the market. Potential to get fucked, huge.

In an Open Relationship - OTC contract, differs from party to party.

Widowed - The position he was married to was either auctioned off because he couldnt make the margin calls or the underlying went bankrupt.

Of Arranged Marriages and Risk Appetites

Encouraged by the response I got on the last note, here comes some more "Geeky" stuff. I got a few private messages calling me a "Geeky loser", but lets not get discouraged by them, shall we? But before I delve into this next "insight", I need to confess that I doubted the accuracy of the tag "Geeky loser". Loser, yeah...but Geeky? So I Wikied (has that term been drafted into English Language yet? if not it should be, because once you google a term, Google asks to Wiki it anyway) the term "Geek", this is what I got: ,/p>

"The word geek is a slang term, noting individuals as a peculiar or otherwise odd person, especially one who is perceived to be overly obsessed with one or more things including those of intellectuality, electronics, etc. Formerly, the term referred to a carnival performer often billed as a wild man whose act usually includes biting the head off a live chicken, bat, snake or bugs."

I dont think I am a peculiar or an odd person. I am just a little passionate about (not obsessed with) intelectuality, mathematics, electronics, finance and economics. Well to my defense all I have to say is I am a Vegetarian (who likes to eat ROASTED Chicken once in a while). I consider myself more of an interdisciplinarian (I think there are enough Is and Ns in there). So Jury is still out on this.

So coming back to the insight I promised, I was having a conversation about marriages (yeah thats what losers do, they talk about it) with one of my friends recently. We were generally disussing about the expectations a man and woman have of each other in a marriage. Then I had a revelation (not too dramatic eh? I thought I would go for the "Eureka" term, but again thought it to be cliched. You know a lot of my women friends tell me that my problem is I think too much, I still couldnt get what problem were they talking about, but again we digress). So where were we? yeah the revelation. I think the type of a marriage a person prefers has got a direct relation to his risk appetite.

The type of the marriage being Arranged, Love or Unmarried. A person who is risk averse would prefer an arranged marriage the same way he would prefer investing in risk free securities or low risk/low return securities. Pretty much all the arranged marriages come with a set of predefined expectations, the way government bonds come with a fixed rate of return. Ofcourse on a few rare? occasions, expectations are not met akin to interest rate environment going haywire, but are generally considered low risk/riskless at the time of entry. Hey even if the expectations are not met, its not like you did fundamental research and calculated VaRs before you bought government bonds, you just trusted the Monetary policy to keep the regime stable, the same way you trust your parents in case of an arranged marriage to find you a "stable" partner.

Now here comes our next set of Investors, my personal favorites - the risk lovers. They just love the rush of gambling. They would do all the funadamental research, look at all the technical indicators and are convinced of a sure bet where their returns would keep on growing. These kind of people would mostly prefer a love marriage, they would love to go through the whole process of wooing/being wooed, going out on dates, fighting the parents, coming out on top (debatable?). The way these investors prefer a high return, their expectations are also pretty steep. How can they be let down, when they have invested so much physically, emotionally and financially? So more often than not these investors are quite adamant and in denial mode. I am not saying they would lose always, just the way some love marriages do seem to work. Another possibility of a "happy ending" is they die young with out reaching the wreckage at the end of the tunnel.

Our third set are the people who want remain Unmarried. These guys are loss averse. They would rather keep their money in vaults and wait to be robbed by thieves or inflation than invest in something. Its a super good philosophy guys, isnt it? you would rather hold on to your chips than sit on a table and play a hand, that way you could never lose. Flash news anti-losers, you can never win either. These guys would sit on a high pedestal and frown on institutions like marriage. "You lowly beings, I dont need you, I am self-sufficient. Marriages and Markets are for suckers, not for an evolved being like me."

Phew I dint realize I had written so much. But whats the use of this wisdom (no? think again!). Well it can be used by Financial Institutions to target right kind of customers for right kind of products. All you need is their view on marriage. Imagine how easy it would be to segment and target. So a Customer walks in, your business intelligence software pops a message "Love marriage", and you are like "Hello Sir, we have these amazing high return products for you sir, with the markets expected to reach unprecedented highs....", there the deal is done. Another customer walks in, another popup "Arranged Marriage", and you are like "Hello Sir, we have some amazing low risk fixed income products, with markets being volatile its the best place to park your money.....", there another sucker falls for it. Some guy walks in, another popup "Unmarried", and you are like "Er...this is a bank sir, where do you need to be?". Imagine how easy business would be.

I need to be paid for this.

Losing My Religion - Cricket

As a kid I was extremely passionate about cricket. I loved watching and playing cricket. I still do but not with the same intensity as those yester years. All my heroes, role models were cricketers. I used to have huge fights at home to get my slot on TV to watch cricket. I used to dream about me raising my bat to a packed stadium or clean bolwing an opponent batsman. I used to relegate my studies, my sleep to back ground to watch a match. The only times I cried as a kid were when Sachin used to get out early in a match. I wept uncontrollably when Sachin got out during the test match against Pakistan in Chennai. I couldnt hold back my tears when South Africa lost to Australia in 1999 world cup Semi Finals.

The only time I ever got hurt was playing the game. I broke my wrist while trying to attempt an acrobatic piece of fielding. I banged by hand into a rusted aluminium door just practising my bowling action and ended up with six stitches. I have been hit on the eye, in the groin, have gone home limping with twisted ankles, swollen knees. Even when I had the broken wrist I still held the bat with one hand and played. For a long time the only news paper pages I read were from the sports section. The only magazine I bought was Sportstar. I used to cut pictures of Sachin and had a scrap book made out of it.Such was the passion I had for the game. It was my life, it was my dream. I always knew that I could never take it up as a career because I knew my talent at the game was limited. But again talent and passion are two different things.

The days on which India Vs Pakistan matches were on used to be much more special. The frenzy used to begin atleast a week before the match. Since those matches were very rare, they used to be savoured more. I used to argue with my skeptical friends who used to think that India and Sachin were no good. Once I even got into a fist fight when some one said Sachin was useless. During the whole week before the match all my thoughts, discussions were full of team selection, what should India do if we win the toss? who will be man of the match? And I could hardly sleep on the eve of the match. During the match itself, you would find the streets empty, you would find crowds gathered around a radio to hear the commentary. Every run used to be cheered, every boundary sent crowds dancing whether at the stadium or at their homes. Fathers and Kids used to be glued to the TVs and moms used to make hot pakodas. I used to go to the temple on the day of the match and pray for a Sachin century. I think when I was a kid I never asked anything for myself from God but I always asked for a Sachin century. I am sure a lot of Indian Middle class can relate to the picture I am painting. The bottom line being Cricket was my religion and Sachin Tendulkar was my God.

Now when some one mentioned that it was India Vs Pakistan match tomorrow. I was like ok. It wasnt even on my mind's radar. I was kinda taken aback at my apathy for the game. This is the game I breathed for 22 years of my life, this was my life's blood. What happened? I think my passion for the game started waning after I got out of Engineering college. Once I started working my interests started to diversify. I discovered my appetite for reading, I was in love with a woman, my thoughts more shifted towards career, what should I do next? whether I should study further or I should work? Does she loves me? The mind was filled with these questions rather than who is going to be the man of the match in tomorrows game. I still used to be glued to the score card on cricinfo refreshing when ever I could, but I guess the change started then.

Its been 5 years since I passed out of college and today I feel I have almost become indifferent to the game. The other day I was watching India vs SL ODI and I watched it for sometime and once Sachin got out I shut the TV and started surfing the net. I dint even know the result until next day some one told me that India had lost the match. I initially thought I had lost that competitive spirit, I some how grew out of this sporting frenzy. But its not true I still watch football and support ManUnited passionately, I love tennis more than ever before. But some how Cricket has lost its favour with me. Is it the reducing attention span with increasing age? or something else? I do not know. But I feel as if I have lost a part of me. The fanatical, passionate, irrationally optimistic me is dead along with my interest for cricket. RIP.

Strange games, God plays !!!

At times I feel, God if he exists is a very sadistic guy. He takes pleasure in humans' miseries. Please dont tell me that He is testing us and also dont tell me when he shuts one door, He always opens another one. He just enjoys inventing new ways to torture his greatest creation, us, human beings. Is it His way of asserting His superiority, reminding us that we are nothing but puppets and He holds all the strings? What about He giving us a great gift of freewill and all? Its all a big farce, nothing but hogwash I tell ya. Dont tell me this is a way of teaching us to be humble, humility is overrated anyway. No wonder so many people lose faith in God at some point of time in their lives. Please dont tell me that the night is darkest before dawn. I am in no mood to listen to such inanities.

What pleasure does He get when He makes one person to love another and the other person to love another? All this marriages are made in heaven and each and every one of us being made in pairs is bull shit. It sounds good to people who have found their "soul mate", what about the man who persued a woman for 3 years, spent one year with her and on the day he tatooed her name on his body, she gives him a call saying its all over? What about the man who is madly in love with this woman, goes out of his way to bring her joy in every way possible and she rejects him for being not interesting? What about the woman who writes poetry for this man, but all he does is let her down every single time? What is it if not being sadistic?

Lets cut some slack here for God, alright? May be as Agent Smith says in Matrix, human beings as a species define reality through misery and suffering. Maybe we are not wired to be happy or contented. We always run behind an elusive dream but never take notice of what we have. Maybe if we become contented and happy, we would realize the futility of life sooner rather than later. Maybe misery and suffering are essential for the survival of our species. Maybe we are destined not to reach the 5th level of Maslow's hierarchy. Maybe the grand scheme is to keep us occupied in pursuing happiness but never let us find it. Because from what I have heard and reason out once you get at the top, there is nowhere to go. You are filled with a huge void and realize that you have spent your whole life, all your energy, made quite a few sacrifices to get here and all that awaits you is this black hole.

If the above is true, Kudos to you God. You are playing the game very well. Maybe since I am a pawn in this chessboard, I am not able to see the holistic picture. But I kind of get the sense of Your choices now. You care for the survival of our species, though I cannot understand why. Arent You bored of us? Because we are bored of You and life. Dont You want to make something else for Your entertainment? What happened to the creator in You? Are You short of ideas or the pleasure of making us squirm too good to give up? Come on speak up, will Ya? Be a man, give me some answers, I believe I am entitled to them.

Deal Breakers !!!

She: You know, I have been wanting to tell you this for a long time. (looking hesitant)
He : What is it sweet heart? (Still not taking eyes off the monitor, playing Mafia Wars on Facebook)
She: I dont know how to say this. I am a little afraid how you will react. Promise me, you wont be angry with me. (sounding hopeful)
He : Come on sweet heart, you know that you can say anything to me. Its been 20 years since we have been together and you are still hesitant to speak up to me. Plus how can I promise not to get angry when I dont even know what you are going to say. (looking quizzical)
She: I know, its a little too much to ask, but for my sake cant you just make that promise. If you promised that you wont get angry I would be more confident about telling it to you because I know that you would keep your word at any cost. (pleading)
He : {Sighs, Oh boy, she knows me inside out} Fine, I promise I wont get angry with you.
She: You are such a Darling, I love you. (looking relieved)
He : So, what is it? (sounding impatient)
She: I believe, I have broken your trust in a big way. You believed that I was this honest woman who means what she says. Who would never lie to you about anything. But I have lied to you and have been living that lie for a long time now. (sounding despondent)
He : What have you done sweety? Is there another man? (raised eyebrows)
She: I know you would easily forgive me if that were the case like you did a few years back. Its much worse than that. I dont know whether I even should be confessing this to you. I dont know what good would come out of it. You would probably even laugh about it, but knowing you I doubt that. But I need to do this because I am having night mares living this lie.(holding back tears now)
He : (Stands up, comes by her side and puts a shoulder around her) Please dont cry now. You know how I cant handle it when you cry. I already promised you I wont get angry. If its troubling you so much, please let it out. It would make you feel better. (sounding concerned)
She: (sobbing) You remember the day (sob sob) when you first met me at my hostel room (sob sob)...
He : Yeah I do, what about that day? (sounding really patient)
She: (sobbing) How you were impressed (sob sob) looking at all the books on the bookshelf (sob sob) and also the IQ certificate framed on the wall (sob sob)....
He : Yeah I remember, it showed a score of 160, what about it sweet heart? It was so long ago, why are you talking about that day? (looking confused)
She: Well, (sob sob) that room was not mine, it was my friend Shruti's room...(sob sob), I never read any of those books (sob sob) and my IQ is 98 (sobbing harder)

(instinctively takes away his arm from her shoulder. Looking shattered. A lot pieces fall in place. Things which have troubled him over the years suddenly start making sense. Why she was never excited when he talked animatedly about this great philosophical revelation he had? or Why she would always uncertainly smile at his jokes hoping that they were jokes? or Why his Kids always got less marks in Science and Maths? He stands up, but still lost in thought)

She: (Sobbing much harder now) Please dont get angry, you promised that you wont. I am really sorry about it, see if I dint tell you about it, you would have never known. I thought it was better late than never to tell you the truth. Can we put this behind us? please (begging)
He : (looking stiffened) How can you do this to me? How will I ever fulfill my evolutionary destiny? (he just got vasectomized a few months earlier, his thoughts already turning towards reversal). Oh my God, I cant believe what I am hearing. All my discussions with you, all the laughs we had together every thing was a lie. I want a Divorce. This is a deal breaker. (storms out of the room)

Friday, September 04, 2009

Vestiges of a dying Romantic

Arms wide open, looking in the eye of rain, going round and round, losing touch with the reality; are these signs of happiness? Even though the pleasure might be fleeting, but I did feel giddy for a moment. Was that because I was happy or because I went round and round? my mind questions. Its been quite some time since I have felt that. I still remember the last time I felt that way, though it dint last for long but it remains etched in my memory. I recall that when ever I need strength, when ever I doubt my capacity to experience joy. I say to myself "Hey, I did feel that !!!", I could do it again some day. This day has been coming for quite sometime. Does it vindicate my existence? Does it pacify all the pain and suffering? Does it justify those lonely nights spent smoking and wishing this day would come sooner than later? These are the questions which i am faced with.

The source of this fountain of joy is again a woman. Why am I not surprised at this? You know, a woman can make you feel that way. If she hasnt already, she will some day, take my word for it. Every man needs to experience this atleast once in his life, that will appease his existential angst for some time. It will serve as a beacon during the nights of utter hopelessness. I am going to such an extent as to say that when life seems futile one can aspire to light that beacon again. There you go, I have said it, thats the meaning of life. But there is a melancholic texture to this joy I feel which is different from the last time. Then I wanted it to last, wanted to do everything in my power to hold on to it like if I let it go I would slip into an abyss. But this time I am aware (more mature? ) that I cannot hold on to it forever, that its fleeting and I am already in an abyss. My desire for it to last still rages. Does it lessen the joy? No, it makes it more precious, more invaluable.

A woman can level you with her eyes you know. She just have to glance at you and you feel your heart flutter. You are aware of every movement of her's. You are overwhelmed with her presence. She grows so big that she fills your existence. You just want to freeze that moment and keep staring at her. You lose sight of everything around you. You are desparate for her to deign in your dreams. You feel a pang of jealousy whenever she flashes that charming smile to another man. At times you look like a fool trying to attract her attention. Ah the joy of being able to feel jealous, the joy of looking like a fool, the joy of feeling vulnerable again, how I missed that all these years. Its like being a child again. This must be return to innocence.

Is that love? What else could it be? You know love is just a word, you can attribute to it any meaning you want to. Its something so personal that at times even the object of your "love" cant grasp the meaning of it. The best thing about it is nobody can take that away from you, like hope. It doesnt even have to be reciprocated. Its like it happened and the way past cant be reversed, the impression it leaves cannot be erased. Nothing or nobody can take away that moment from you. Not even you. The balloon will burst but the consequences are immaterial. The rest of your life can be one big bore but hey, you did experience this moment. You were there, fully soaked in the rain and the happiness. You did feel that high and the rest of your life can be spent trying to relive it again and again.

P.S - If not in Life, atleast in writing.....

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Now where was I ?

Yes, am still alive and kicking, infact strangely so. I never thought it would be this way, I never thought I would update my blog again, but here I am on a Monday morning 4 o clock writing this. For starters I quit my job couple of months back and have joined WIMISI (Wellknown Institute of Management In Southern India) to pursue my degree in Management and its been one helluva ride since then. I knew what I was getting into, I had no qualms then, I would like to say neither do I have any now. So why did I do what I did ? Well I would like to say that I did so because I have always wanted to do it or perhaps if i say that i always knew I was born to do it, that would be a passable answer too but alas as always the truth is something else and not so socially acceptable. Nah now is not the time to dwell into that, I have the next 2 years to do that. I promise to be irregular and post at times which can only be predicted by a random number generated but yes I promise you some really interesting and 'Deep' stuff which would shake the ground beneath your feet, no ? Think again.

Monday, May 07, 2007

Mulaqaat - A meeting - Part 3

@ the coffee place

( They both have been carefully treading the path as to not to get onto touchy issues. They both can feel the air thickening between them. They get seated at a vacant table overlooking the street.)

"Is smoking allowed here ? " ( He asks knowing very well that how much she hated smoking hoping to see some kind of resentment on her face that he has not given up on the habit)

"Yeah I guess so " ( She calls the waiter and gets it confirmed that it is allowed. He takes out a ciggy and is searching for a light.)

" They took the match box when I boarded a flight. Do you by any chance have a light ? " ( He again expected her to burst out but she dint instead she did something really strange. She took out her zippo and lighted his fag.) .

(To say he was shocked would be an understatement and he dint make any effort to conceal it either)

" Dodo what happened ? You look like a baby in a topless bar. Ha ha."

" When did you start smoking? "

" An year back, why what happened ? Amnt I allowed to smoke ?"

" Nope nothing like that, you know you have changed a lot"

" Just to quote you, People change and thats the only thing that doesnt. So in what ways have I changed "

" I mean (he stutters) look at you, you are no longer the Shruts I knew once. You look totally different, your behaviour is totally different. You smoke, you are married, you have a kid. You are not the vulnerable woman seeking reassurance from me anymore "

(There is still only amusement on her face)

" Ok, am sorry. I shouldnt have said that. Its just that I am a bit unsettled at finding you like this all of a sudden"

"Its ok Av, not a big deal. And I dont blame you either because am a lot more different than what you last saw me. I have changed, my attitude towards life has changed. I did make a few choices then though i was not convinced that they were the right ones, but on hindsight they have turned out quite well. I am a successful professional, a loving wife and a good mother to my child and I couldnt have asked for more from my life." ( She flashes her condescending smile)

(His male ego was swirling by this time. He was getting a taste of his own medicine and it was bitter. She was using the standard responses which he once used. He dint like being on this side of table.)

"But are you happy sweets ? " ( He asked in his most considerate voice)( There was just a brief moment before she responded and in that moment he felt he saw a flicker of doubt cross her face or he must have imagined it.)

" Ofcourse I am, what kind of question is that ?"

" I dont mean to offend you or anything, but its just that I want you to be genuinely happy. I just hope that you havent fallen prey to Aposteriori-Justification syndrome. Just because one cant change one's choices which have already been made one tries to justify that they are the rite ones. You know what I mean..."

" You silly, there is nothing like that you are reading too much into things. Its plain and simple I am happy (flashing her beatific smile). "

(Sipping his coffee) " Ok, as you say ( shrugging his soldiers). I would take your word for it. ( he actually smiles the first time for the evening)"

( Her Cell phone rings. She mumbles something like I will be there in 10 mins)

" Ok Av, I gotta leave now, the baby sitter said she have to leave in some time so I need to be getting back home. "( She is opening her purse)

"Hey Carry on, The treat is on me. Cya around sometime."( He smiles)

(She gathers her things and is leaving)" Ok Av, Bye. This is my Card it has got my number. It was nice meeting you after so long."

"Bye Shruts."( He somehow felt that he no longer has the right to call her sweets)

(She leaves. He is waiting for his credit card. The waitress arrives, he tips her handsomely. Collects his baggage and makes way out of the restaurant. He feels a bit cold as he enters the street. He sees a huge crowd gathering a few yards away. He can see an Ambulance rushed to the place. He thinks that there must have been an accident. He has always been amused as to why people gather around the accident spot. Is it amusement for them ? Then he discards that idea that people are not that sadistic. Probably just to know that if the victim is somebody they know. He never felt the urge to rush to the spot . As he neared the spot they were carrying the stretcher into the ambulance. The purse caught his eye. No it cant be her. A million thoughts racing through his mind. He slowly approached the stretcher and just peeked at the face on it. He couldnt believe it. She was a bloody mess. He couldnt control the scream that welled up inside him. )


" Yeah dodo. whats the matter with you? Why are you shaking ?"

(He was confused for a few seconds. Then realization dawned upon him. Bloody hell it was just a bad dream.)

"You ok, Av ?"

"Yeah am fine."

" Then get up dodo and get ready, Sid and Niru will get late for school. Come on now get your lazy bum up."

" You are missing something sweets. You know a way to get me up from the bed, why dont ya try it ? "

"Ofooo grow up Av. You still not a kid but a father of two." (He dint give any sign of relenting)

"Ok fine come to the kitchen You will get what you want."( She says teasingly and escapes his advancing hands).

" Come on Tiger, come and get me."(He hears her from outside the room, he winces at the word Tiger, but what the hell, he runs after her. He loves this every morning ritual.)

P.S - Am sorry for posting it so late...was really busy with things.And I had tough time to give it a happy ending.

P.P.S - Why do I have this compulsive desire to Kill people in my stories. Is there a name for this kind of fetish ??

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Mulaqaat - A meeting - Part 2

Continued from previous post......

He was curious as to how her life might have shaped up. He wanted to know how she was doing. He paced quickly towards her and when he was a couple of yards away from her, he called

"Hey Sweets, is that you ?"

(She stops in her tracks, turns around with an expression which seems like a collage of shock and surprise)

"Hey Av, what are you doing here ?"

"Oh my God, I cant believe this, its been ages" he says.

( His eyes are fixed on to her as if he is seeing her for the first time and trying to imprison her in his eyes, she can feel his gaze upon her and its making her feel uncomfortable)
"No dodo, its been 4 years and (looks at her mobile) almost 3 months (and flashes her i-rritated-you smile) "

"Yeah yeah, when have I ever been good with numbers. So how come here ?"

"I live here (Shrugging her shoulders), I have never seen you here before."

"Oh you live here!! So what does your husband do ? I came here on work."
(He secretly wishes, please tell me am not married, please get angry with me for asking such a stupid question, please shout at me for thinking that she would get married to somebody else)

"Oh him, He has setup practice here, he is a dentist."

(Fighting hard to keep his disappointment away from his voice)
"Oh thats so kewl, so you still with the same old job eh ?"

"Nah, I have to take care of Sid, he is still a toddler, So i took a sabattical from work. So whats happening with ya? Did ya find that one ideal women which you were always looking for (she couldnt help sounding sarcastic)

(Averting her eyes) " Yeah, I met her fine but you know what the best part is, I managed to tie the knot and we are blessed with a beautifu daughter. We named here Nirali "

" Oh, so finally u managed to name your daughter Nirali, eh ? "

" Yeah the same way you managed to name your son Siddharth" ( He couldnt keep a straight face while lying to her, He is a pretty good liar but he somehow feels she would always find out if he lies. One's eyes always gives one away when lying and at one point in time she could read him with eyes closed, he wonders whether she can still do that.)

"I am so happy for you. I always told you that you will meet the one woman wou always wanted to be with. " (She has this genuinely happy smile on her face which irritates him and makes him feel guilty about lying. He wanted to see disappointment in her face on hearing that he belonged to another woman now but all he could see was mirth.)

(Yeah rite !!!) " Now do you have to bring in those I told you SOs?" (Visibly irritated)

"Hey, why you getting so touchy about it ? I am just happy for you thats all. So tell me more about your gal"

" Ok, forget it. What abt my wife? She is the prettiest woman I have ever met ( He has always told her that she was the prettiest woman ever born, He hoped to see her dejected when he told her that he finds another woman prettier than her, but no change on her face.) She understands me quite well and shes a very nice person to talk to. She is a very good mother and what else (Shrugs his shoulders). Do you know a place where we can have a good cup of coffee here, it would be great if you can accompany me."

(She looks at her watch) " Yeah sure just around the corner theres a nice Cafe, we get pretty good Cappuccino out there."

(She starts walking in that direction and he takes a couple of quick steps to catch her up)

To be continued (at the coffee shop ;))

Monday, April 16, 2007

Mulaqaat - A meeting - Part 1

He recognized her at once by her gait. She always had a distinct gait for a woman and he always used that to make her out in a crowd. Its been 6 years since he last saw her. She has changed quite a bit in that time. If not for her walk he would have missed her. She had put on a bit of weight, he always used to tell her that she was too skinny and she would look prettier with few more pounds. Her coiffure looks a bit different, more trendy than what she used to have. She was sporting this capri and a black T . He has always remembered her wearing a salwar. Its amazing how you always have a picture of people in your mind, how you capure their existence in your memories and expect them to remain that way for eternity.

The memory of their first meeting is still fresh in his mind. How he had accosted her and though she was hesitant initially it dint take long for her to open up. He has always wondered at his ability to accost any stranger especially women and within minutes make them feel at home. They discussed everything under sun. She devised a point system to see how many of their interests match and they kept count of it for a couple of days but after that it was too much of an effort to maintain it. He still chuckles when he thinks of what her first impression of his was. She thought he was just one of those women chasers. They both laughed when she told him this.

He had liked many women before he met her but with those women it was always the physical attraction. She was the first woman with whom the physical aspect never entered his mind not that she wasnt pretty but somehow he was never able to find a satisfactory answer as to why so. One fine day he told her that he loved her. He hadnt planned for a proper proposal with a red rose and a mushy card which was the norm then but he simply told that he loves her when she asked why he was so lost for past few days. She dint agree to the proposal, he was adamant, she was depressed he was not giving it up, he couldnt see her depressed, he gave up, she came back but he couldnt. After that they grew apart and gradually lost touch.

Now here she was, the only woman he ever loved. He was never able to love any other woman, he never even tried to. He dint wanna get married for the sake of it and fool himself and the woman he would marry. He did enjoy being a bachelor but there are nights when he wished she was there with him. He was curious as to how her life might have shaped up. He wanted to know how she was doing. He paced quickly towards her and when he was a couple of yards away from her, he called "Hey Sweets, is that you ?"

P.S - I promise to post the part 2 in the next couple of days.

Monday, April 09, 2007


Its been almost 2 weeks since he has heard from her, he doesn’t even know where she is or what she is up to. She suddenly disappeared from his life. Her phone doesn’t respond. He doesn’t even know whether she is alive or dead.

This was the last mail he wrote to her

If you want to leave , you are free to do as you wish...have never tried neither will I ever try to stop you cos that’s not me...I jus cannot ask you do something for me....cos we are two different individuals and we are free to take our decisions as we wish..... One thing about me which you might already know when I take a decision I consider jus myself and only myself....I do not think that a particular person would be hurt if I do this. if my action seems to be justified to me I go ahead with it if some body else gets affected by it then its not my problem. If I have to stay/leave I would jus consider about me how this decision will affect me whether I will be happy/sad staying/leaving, what are the consequences of this decision to me. But I guess we both differ here you take your decisions not keeping what consequences it would cause to you but what effect it will have on others, you tend to value others over your self but I am diametrically opposite to it. I tend to value self over anything else. So if you think your leaving or staying will have any effect on me then it’s my problem not yours. If I get hurt cos you leave/stay then its my fault not yours. You need to understand that I am not saying mine is the rite way of living or yours is, I am no judge of that , you are free to live the life the way you want to and I am free to live the way i want to. I have always told ya I am not cut out for relationships...I guess you would understand why now.

To the above her reply was

All I understand right now is that you are clear on this not having a future

Am not hurt one bit …. Yes, I sincerely hope that no one is ever hurt by my actions … Glad to know I have never hurt you

As for you being cut out for relationships – well, am no one to comment on that, maybe am just not your ‘type’ … whatever it does not matter any more

I have been hurt before and I refuse to tread the same path. I can take care of myself and hence I have the insight to see that nothing good is going to come out of this …..


And after that there was no correspondence at all. He had read these two mails so many times that he can recite them verbatim. He decides to leave early from work cos he sees no point in sticking at office and staring at these mails and he is sure that no work would be done either, probably he would go for a long drive on his bike. The thought itself is refreshing. He quickly leaves his cubicle before his superior can stop him and takes the stairs instead of the elevator for the fear of some raised eyebrows. He takes out his bike, puts on his earphones and helmet and quietly gets out of the campus.

In my search for freedom

and peace of mind

I've left the memories behind

Wanna start a new life

but it seems to be rather absurd

when I know the truth

is that I always think of you

He smirks at the timing of the lyrics. He has heard this song umpteen number of times before, considering that he started listening to western music with MLTR but never before the lyrics have been so eloquent.

Someday someway

together we will be baby

I will take and you will take your time

We'll wait for our fate

cos' nobody owns us baby

We can shake we can shake the rock

Hope, that’s what keeps us alive, has said many of his friends. And he has always asked in return, hope of what? He has got replies like hope of a better tomorrow, hope of knowing your life’s calling, hope of finding that one person who will matter to you the most. Nothing has ever convinced his cynical self.

Try to throw the picture out of my mind

try to leave the memories behind

Here by the ocean

wave's carry voices from you

Do you know the truth

I am thinking of you too

That’s what he has been trying to do, to throw her out of his mind for over a year and half now. He just can’t get himself to do that. The only thing he has managed to achieve is indifference to his own life but not to her. He has become almost emotionless but whatever little emotions he felt were still invoked by her. She still was a part of every dream, every fantasy of his.

The love we had together

just fades away in time

And now you've got your own world

and I guess I've got mine

But the passion that you planted

in the middle of my heart

is a passion that will never stop

Then what is it that’s been stopping him? He has asked this question himself a lot of times but he never was able to pin point the problem. Probably when she gets back he would tell her that he still longs for her.

He never speeds on highways, but today he was going full throttle. He can see from the corner of the eye the speedometer touching 100 Kmph. He takes a sharp turn to avoid hitting a pedestrian, the bikes skids and he loses control. He tries to jump off the bike in the hope that he can escape with a few scratches. He falls on the road and is rolling, the truck behind couldnt stop in time.

Someday someway

together we will be baby… May be not.